Silence is Golden
by geekbydefault
Summary: Takes place after episode 14, season 4: "Sex & Violence". Dean is having a hard time dealing with Sam's harsh words during the influence of the siren's venom. Other charachters included; Ruby, Castiel and Bobby.
1. Chapter 1

**Silence is Golden**

_This sets place after the ending of the episode "Sex & Violence" in season four.  
Bobby just drove off, leaving the brothers alone to face the consequences of their fight earlier._

…

They tried to pretend that everything was okay, but both of them knew they could never go back now. Siren or no siren, that fight was coming either way, but it did not make it less painful.  
Dean felt betrayed by Sam, but it was not the lying or that he was hiding things from him. It was what he had said about his time in hell. He had bared his soul for Sam and he threw it back in his face. It filled Dean with so many emotions at the same time, he could not really make out which one was the strongest. He thought it might be fear.  
Sammy was gone. He looked and sounded like him, but the thing inside him was no longer Dean's dorky little brother. It was something so sinister and so dark. Dean's heart was breaking as he felt that whatever little hope he might have had left vanished the second Sam said that stupid line.  
"_Bohoo_..."

Dean opened and closed his fists while breathing through his nose. Sam was looking down where he was kicking at some pebbles on the ground. They both stood leaning on the passenger's side of the car and neither of them wanted to talk.  
What could they possibly talk about anyway?  
All his life Dean had fought for Sam, everything he had ever done had been for Sam. He had thrown away every opportunity of happiness, knowing that if he ever stopped living like this, he would not be with Sam. As sad as it was, hunting had been the one thing that had bonded the two and the realization of Sam's true feelings made Dean feel like he had been woken from a slumber.

"_I think_..." he started. "_I think I need to go for a drive_."  
"_Okay_." Sam sounded confused. "_Let's go then_."  
"_I mean, on my own Sam_." Dean looked at Sam and could barely believe those words came out of his own mouth. It was as if someone else was in control of his speech, yet he did not take it back.  
Sam looked surprised, was it really that hard to understand?  
"_Uhm...okay, just drop me off at the motel and we'll catch up later_."  
"_No Sammy...I mean Sam_."  
Sam chuckled at this. "_Okay, so, what, now it's just back to Sam_?"  
"_Yeah, I guess so_." Dean shrugged his shoulders. "_What I'm trying to say is, I'll drop you off at the motel, but I won't be coming back for you_."  
"_Right. For how long_?" Sam almost seemed annoyed.  
"_No Sam, I won't be coming back_."

Something in Dean's voice changed with that sentence and now he could see that Sam understood what he meant.  
"_So, what, you're breaking up with me_?" Sam's attempt to joke did not go well with the situation and he was obviously upset.  
"_It's like you said, I'm holding you back, so I won't do that anymore_."  
"_Dean, come on, that was the siren's venom talking, that wasn't me_!"  
"_Yes it was_." Dean locked his eyes on Sam's. "_It was and you know it. All this time I was afraid to tell you the truth, afraid that you would judge me. Then I thought, hey he's my brother, and I can trust him. Turns out I couldn't_."  
"_Dean_..."  
"_Don't even_...." Dean was chewing at his lower lip. "_You can't take it back and I can't be around you anymore. I don't know you and it's clear that you don't want anything to do with me, so just get in the car so I can drive you back_."  
"_Dean! Come on man_!" Sam's voice was cracking up, there was a slight hint of panic in it.  
Dean did not answer, he just walked around the car, opened the door to slide into the driver's seat and started the engine. Sam quickly turned around and opened the door to the passenger's seat and got in.

Once inside the car, Sam turned to Dean. "_Dude, come on, let's talk about this_!"  
"_We have nothing more to talk about Sam, nothing what so freaking ever, you got it_!"  
When they reached the motel, Dean almost threw himself over Sam's legs to open the passenger door.  
"_Out_."  
He did not even look at Sam as he slowly made his way out of the car.  
"_Dean...please_!"  
He closed the door after Sam and drove off with a violent screech. He had seen Sam's tears, but ignored them.

When he had driven out of sight of Sam he could not hold it in any longer and had to pull the car over to the side of the road.  
He shut off the engine and his head fell onto his hands, still clutching the steering wheel and he started to cry. Tears were streaming down his face and dripping down on his lap. It was as if all the sadness he had ever felt came down on him at the same time and he cried so loud it felt like his lungs would implode.  
He started beating the steering wheel, then the dashboard, his fists going all over the place and ended with him screaming his heart out.

When he woke up it was dark. He realized he had fallen asleep in the car during his breakdown. His head was killing him and he tasted the salt from his tears as he licked his lips. Those first seconds were blissful, since he could not remember what he was doing there. It did not last long and he felt his stomach churn.  
Ignoring his heart screaming for him to go back, he turned the key to the car and woke the Impala from its mutual slumber. He drove off into the darkness, not knowing where he was going.

He did not care anymore; he had nothing left worth fighting for.


	2. Chapter 2

…

Sam stood there and watched as Dean drove away, tears still trickling down his cheeks. He quickly wiped them with his right hand, then tried to dry it off by brushing it on his left sleeve.  
There was something completely different with this fight and the hair in the back of his neck stood up. He started to come to terms with the fact that this could very well be the last time he saw his brother.  
Behind him people were scurrying around, too busy living their lives to notice him standing there, like frozen to the ground. His impressive height did nothing for him and he might as well not have been there at all. The smell of rain was in the air, but his mind was not where his body was and he wouldn't have noticed if the sky had fell down on him.

Sam had meant it, every word that the siren's poison had drawn out of him, but hearing them out loud had been a horrific experience. Dean was never supposed to know, not ever. He had gotten used to lying to him and hadn't really thought that it would not last. He had heard him say those things to Dean, but despite his secret thoughts being spoken, did he really want to be on his own?  
Ruby.

Sam dug out the phone from his jeans, but did not make the call. He just held it in his hand, looking down at the monitor showing last placed calls, with Ruby's number at the top.  
He did not really know why, but he found himself incapable of making the call and decided to do it later when he could focus on something else.  
Something else but the sound of his heartbeat pounding in his ears. Something else but the howl in his heart, the knot in his stomach.  
Something else but Dean.  
Dean.

If he really meant all those things he said, why did it hurt so much? Shouldn't he feel relieved, or glad even, that he could finally go on alone? Continue the hunt on Lilith without Dean's lack of determination slowing them down.

Suddenly the phone rang in his hand. It was Ruby. He did not feel much like talking to any one at the moment, but decided that maybe she could serve as a distraction. Help him forget what had just happened.

"_Sam, I found another lead to Lilith, but I need your help. Where are you_?"  
"_Outside the motel_."  
"_Okay stay there, I'm not far away. And Sam_."  
"_What_?"  
"_Hope you're ready, this one's a big shot and it won't be easy_."  
"_I'm ready_."

Somehow it felt like those invisible weights, that just seconds ago pinned him down, were lifted from his shoulders. He needed to focus, stay sharp.  
Ruby was on her way to bring him on a new hunt, and there was no room for mistakes. If he was not able to concentrate he could get killed, he knew this for sure. As he took a deep breath, he slowly drained himself of all emotions that could interfere with his mind. It was something he had learned over time, after countless of hunts with Ruby and after a while he could feel it. That one feeling that was so familiar to him these days and which he had learned to love.  
Hate.  
At least that was as close as describing it Sam could get. If there had been a word, describing what darkness felt like, he would have used that.

There was something strangely satisfying having that dark pit inside, and as Sam started to walk towards the car Ruby was just arriving in, he could not help but smile.

Dean did not know it, but him leaving was what finally pushed Sam over the edge. What made the last shred of humanity in him, disappear with that smile.  
Had he known, would he have stayed?  
In all honesty, Sam was not fully aware of it himself, he was so set on finding Lilith that he did not notice how hollow he had become.

He was tired of fighting the evil growing inside him, tired of pushing it away when it was so much easier just giving in. The knowledge of his true nature had scared him ever since he found out, but over time the fear had faded and turned into something else.  
The thing that really changed was when he realized he did not need Dean anymore, not the way he had needed him before. Before, he would have been completely lost without him, the smallest of things had seem impossible to do. But over time he came to the conclusion that the very darkness he had feared and ran from was what gave him strength.  
Especially after Dean died.

Ruby showed him how to use the abilities given to him and he actually liked the feeling of absolute power it gave him. Most of all though, how it made him feel strong.  
Dean coming back was something he never expected and it caught him off guard.  
It was not like he had not tried bringing him back and not that he was not dying with happiness when Dean returned. It was just that Sam had started to move on with his life, or at least tried to.  
The moment Dean walked through that door, alive and well back from hell, Sam instantly fell back into his role as a little brother.  
He had grieved Dean like no other, but with his death he had found something that had been lurking inside him.  
At first he had been too ashamed to admit it to himself, but the truth was that he had felt liberated. The two of them together made both of them weak, constantly worrying over the other.

Sam knew that was also why he had not stopped seeing Ruby since Dean returned. Why he had distanced himself from him.  
He felt weak with him around and he did not like that feeling, he did not like it one bit.  
He never thought Dean would notice his change, that he was hiding it from him, but the fight had showed him that was not the case.  
None of it mattered now though. Dean was gone and as far as Sam knew, he was not coming back.

Sam sat beside Ruby in the car, looking out the window as the outside world passed them by.  
All those people, all those souls not having the slightest clue about the evil creeping about.  
There was a time when he had kept fighting, kept hunting, for their sake. To save them.  
He had told Dean he exercised demons with his mind to save the person it was possessing. That he wanted to hunt down Lilith so people could be safe from harm's way.  
He had lied about that too.  
Those intentions had changed even before Dean died, his death only enhanced what was already there.  
He did it out of pure pleasure. He enjoyed the hunt and the time when he had wanted to throw it all away, to live a normal life, that all seemed like a lifetime ago.

The car pulled into an alley, Ruby shut off the engine, then turned to Sam.  
"_You ready for this_?" she asked, but could tell by the look in Sam's eyes, that asking was redundant.  
"_Always_." he answered, opened the door and got out, not even looking at Ruby while doing so.  
She was just behind him when they entered the, clearly, abandoned warehouse they had parked outside of. The door was old and did not approve of their entrance and as if to show it was annoyed, slammed shut behind them with a loud grunt.  
Sam took a deep breath before continuing.  
"_Time to go to work_." he thought to himself as he walked further in, followed by Ruby who seemed like she had read his mind.  
She was smiling


	3. Chapter 3

…

Dean had always enjoyed driving at night, but the events earlier that day tainted his experience.  
He found himself hypnotized by the steady humming of the engine and his mind began to wander. Where would he have been today if he had had a normal life? The bits and pieces he could remember as child, before their mother died, gave a hint of what could have been. But the yellow eyed demon had made sure he would never have a normal life. Even though he was long gone, the consequences of his destruction remained.

He had always fought for his family and after losing both his father and Sam, he did not think he could ever hurt like that again. His time in hell tormented him, but how he felt now, after ditching Sam. That was nowhere close to anything he had felt before.  
It was worse that Sam dying, knowing he was out there, knowing he could not go to him, talk to him.  
Turn to him.

Dean was not one who opened up easily, but when he did, it was to Sam he turned. He had always counted on him to listen. He did not necessarily have to say anything all the times, just listen. So finally he had decided to tell him what happened in hell. He had trusted him and wanted Sam to share his burden. Help him stay strong.  
That was why it had hurt him so bad; finding out that Sam did not share anything with Dean, not anymore.  
What ate at Dean was also that the damn siren had been right. He wished for his little brother to be who he used to be, looking up to him, needing him around. It made him angry that Sam found out, but more so, in the way he did.

Dean was also angry because he had not been completely honest with himself. He had not admitted why he had left Sam the way he did. Sure it was for all those reasons he had given, but there was more to it.  
When they had been rescued by Bobby and their minds were their own again, something in Dean lingered. There was still a small part in Dean that wanted Sam dead.  
Maybe it was the hunter in him, sensing all that was wrong and unnatural with his brother. Maybe it was something left in him by Castiel, when he dragged him out of hell. Something that was awakened by the poison.  
Whatever it was, it scared him and he knew he could not be around Sam any longer.

He had pushed him away, so he did not have to listen to the voice inside him, telling him to kill his own baby brother. Even their dad had told him so, to kill Sam if he could not save him.  
How could he?  
Even now, knowing all that he did, he could never kill Sam.  
He wondered if it had been there the whole time, the darkness inside Sam. Had all their efforts been for nothing, had he been doomed to turn dark side all along?  
Or did Dean turn the key that started the whole chain of events, by showing up at Sam's that night several years ago?  
Neither of the options was very compelling and Dean felt exhausted just thinking about analyzing it any deeper.

He saw the red and blue neon letters, showing him the way to a small motel. Dean knew he needed to rest, although he did not count on doing much actual sleeping. He pulled into the parking lot outside the place, turned off the car and just sat there for a couple of minutes.

Dean had never liked being on his own, which was why he had went to Sam in the first place. It was true their father was missing at the time and he turned to Sam for help.  
The more honest reason, was that he missed being with his brother and even though his heart was breaking for Sam when Jessica died, some part of him was happy to have him with him again.

He got out of the car and opened the trunk to get his duffel bag. That was when he realized he had driven off with Sam's bag too. Looking at it lying there, he felt a sting of shame and sorrow. He shook it off, got his bag out and slammed the trunk of the car shut.

While he was checking in to the motel, he stood there, looking at the manager. He looked like most of them did, like life had surprised them and before they knew it, it was almost over.  
He was in his mid fifties, wearing a pair of well worn jeans, a red and grey flannel shirt, pack of cigarettes in its left pocket. When he pulled out the key and handed it to Dean, his yellow fingers told him he had been smoking pretty much all his life. His pale skin almost seemed transparent in contrast to his black greasy hair and his three days stubble.  
Dean could not help but wonder how one ended up in a place like this, owner of a motel as shabby as oneself.  
Maybe he had made some bad choices in life. Maybe he had a family somewhere, which did not want anything to do with him. Who was Dean to say anyway? Maybe this man was married to a supermodel, just waiting for him to come home every day.  
He realized he had let his imagination run away with him and he shook his head quickly, bringing him back to reality.

When he opened the door to the room and got in, he could come to the conclusion that the inside matched the outside in its rundown state. It did not matter; he was just going to lie down on the covers anyway. There was no way he was about to crawl down into a bed that looked as if it would come alive any minute, even less so, in his underwear. He would keep his clothes on this time; there was no need to take unnecessary chances.

He threw his bag on the floor, sat down at the end of the bed, opened it up and started looking for a gun. He did not expect anything to happen to him here, but he felt more relaxed if he had a weapon close whenever he let his guard down.

As he dug through the bag, he saw it. He did not know how it had ended up in there, he could only guess they had been eager to leave the last place they were at and just threw their stuff into the bags. Under some of his clothes lay a shirt he knew belonged to Sam.  
Normally he would have just thrown it to him, telling him to keep an eye on his own crap.  
Now, he just sat there, holding it in his hands, staring at it as if it would disappear if he took his eyes off it.

He saw wet patterns taking shape, its white color looking grey splattered as they grew in numbers. It took him a few seconds to understand that he was crying and those were his tears making the shirt damp.  
He knew how silly he must have looked and let out a small laugh, muffled by Sam's shirt as he held it to his face.

Dean kept on looking at the shirt until his eyes were no longer wet then gently put it back into his bag. He found the gun he was looking for, placed it under the pillow, then lied down, putting his arms up, resting his head in his hands.  
He thought to himself he would call Bobby first thing in the morning. He needed his help, but he also needed someone to talk to, before he would lose it completely.  
The head felt heavy in his hands, he let out a loud sigh then closed his eyes. He must have been more tired than he wanted to admit and fell asleep almost instantly.

That night he was lucky.  
That night, no dreams came to haunt him, no sounds or images burning in his mind.  
Only silent darkness.


	4. Chapter 4

…

Sam and Ruby entered a room at the end of a hall in the warehouse. There was a lamp hanging from the ceiling, only giving enough light to show the young woman in the back of the room.

She sat slumped over, tied to a chair, her head facing the floor. At the sound of their footsteps, as they entered, she snapped her head back and the pitch black eyes of the demon inside glared at the two. As Sam got closer, he could tell by her swollen face that Ruby had already started questioning her.  
It started laughing a strained laugh, almost like a gurgle, using the woman's voice.

Ruby kept looking at the demon while talking to Sam. "_This is Raël, I know her from before. That's why I know she's got information. She's one of Lilith's supporters._"

It was as if Ruby had never spoken and Raël, eyes now locked on Sam, started talking.  
"_If it isn't Sam Winchester. Does this mean I'm in trouble?_" She smirked when she spoke and her lips crack open where they had started to mend. Fresh blood trickled through and made them look unnaturally red. The darkness in her eyes faded to show the woman's blue ones looking back instead.

Sam felt the irritation and anger grow inside, he could almost hear his pulse pounding in his head.  
"_You're in no position to be smart with me, bitch._" he said and slowly walked closer to her.  
"_Oh, foul mouth. Didn't know you had it in you._"  
She was obviously amused.  
"_I think there's a lot you don't know about me._" He held out his left hand and Ruby placed a knife in it.  
"_Like, how far I'm willing to go to get some answers._"  
"_Come on, I know for a fact that you wouldn't hurt this body. Word has it you like to save people. How very noble of you._" Raël snorted.  
"_Yeah well, things change_."

Sam put the knife on her arm and cut it just enough to make a streak of blood run down on its side, some drops hitting the floor.  
Raël actually got surprised by his move.  
"_What the hell?_"

"_Don't worry, I'll send you back there as soon as we're finished here_." He turned the knife; the tip of it now covered in the demon's blood and cut himself in the same way he did her, on his right arm.

"_Now that's new_." she said in a giggle. "_Seems like you've been a very bad boy, Sam Winchester_." Now she began to squirm in the chair, tilted he head back and started laughing hysterically. "_What's so funny_?" Ruby said angrily while moving in on her and she stopped laughing instantly.  
"_He really has no clue what his brother has gone through to save him. And now he wants to be so evil for you; his little bitch side-kick. Honestly, it's almost moving in a way_."

"_What do you care what happened to Dean_?"  
Even now, the topic of his brother struck a nerve.  
"_You're a demon, you're part of the same kind of bastards that tortured him. Your boss was the one who sent him there in the first place, remember_?"  
"_Actually, that was you, or rather himself. She only held the contract_."  
"_Right and you're miss goody two shoes? Please_."  
"_All I am saying is that there are two sides to every story_."  
"_No there really isn't. There is only our side and we will hunt down every last one of you sons of bitches. You mean nothing, you are nothing, just a low life. Heck, being a demon, you're not even alive to begin with_."

Ruby flinched at this statement, something Raël saw and she turned to her with a big grin on her face.  
"_See. You see? This is how he sees you. He uses you for his own sick little games. And you wanted him to lead an army of us. That is a bit contradicting, don't you think?_"

"_Shut up!_" Sam slapped her across the face, making the woman's long blond hair cover her face. Raël quickly turned back to Sam, some strands of hair still clinging to her face.  
"_You know, men hitting women is such a turnoff._"  
"_Good thing you're not a woman then_."  
"_Is that so? Because as far as I know, all demons were humans once. Kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it_?"  
"_Wonder what?_" Sam said, almost with a sigh.  
"_How long before you're one of us, us low lives. From what I've seen, you sure possess the qualities of one_."  
"_Yeah? So better not disappoint you then_."

He reached out his right arm, the cut was shimmering in the dimmed light.  
"_Well now, is this where you perform your disreputable exorcism?_"  
"_No_." Sam said, took a step closer to her, his hand now at level with her head.  
"_This is where you stop talking nonsense and start answering some questions_."

He could feel the familiar tingle in his body as he put all his focus on the woman in front of him.  
Raël began panting in the chair, faster as Sam concentrated more. Suddenly she started screaming, an awful noise, like a blend of a little girl and a wild beast.  
Sam frowned at this. He felt disgusted by the ugliness of the scene playing out in front of him.  
He lowered his hand, the sensation in his body slowly fading. The demon was sweating out of every pore of the woman's body, panting with every breath she took.

"_Oh I'm sorry, did that hurt?_" Ruby placed her hands on her knees and bent down to face the other demon in the chair. She grabbed her hair and pulled her head back firmly.  
"_Where do we find Lilith?_"

Raël just laughed at her, making Ruby pull her head back even harder. Her laugh choked in the throat and she stared at Ruby.  
"_You never could get over that she always preferred me over you, could you? Could you?!_" The voice was weak due to Ruby's firm grip, but it was enough to make both of them hear.  
"_You shut your mouth_." Ruby said in a low voice and eased the grip, allowing Raël to use a stronger voice this time.  
"_Really, how long can you hold a grudge? Is that why you want to find her so bad, why you're with this boy? To get revenge? Or are you still desperate to get her approval?_"  
"_I said shut up!_" Ruby let go of her hair only to punch her straight in the face, making her nose bleed.

"_What is she talking about Ruby?_" Sam spoke for the first time after stopping the torture.  
"_Is it true you were on her side?_"  
"_Yeah, but she couldn't live up to her demands so Lilith fed her to the hounds. Literally_." Raël said and smiled, blood from her nose running down her face.

Ruby made a move towards her again, but Sam walked in front of her, grabbed her by the shoulders and she stayed where she stood.

"_Good dog_." Raël snickered.

"_I'll deal with it_." he said and looked at Ruby.  
"_This is just too precious_."  
Sam turned to Raël at her comment, let go of Ruby then walked over so he once again stood in front of the chair.  
She stopped smiling the second he raised his hand.  
"_Do what you want with me, I'm still not talking_." Her voice sounded like it came from a deeper, darker place and her eyes went black.

Sam felt the power within him again, like electricity running through his entire body. Between the sound of his blood running in his veins, he could hear the screaming starting again, but he did not stop.  
He wanted her to suffer, wanted her to be in pain. To him she was, in that moment, everything that was wrong with his life. He used all the hate he kept inside to make the torture as bad as he could.  
He kept on until the screaming turned into groaning noises and hisses.

Raël was by now soaked in sweat and had she not been tied to the chair she would be lying on the floor.  
"_Now. Let's see if you're willing to talk_." When Sam bent down and grabbed her chin, lifting her head up, she spat in his face.  
He wiped it off quickly, let go of her chin then stood up.

"_Fine. Say hi to your friends for me_."


	5. Chapter 5

…

Dean woke up sensing someone in the room. He thanked himself for always thinking ahead and pulled out the gun from under the pillow, slowly so that whoever was in there would not notice his move.  
When he had it in his hand he quickly sat up, pointed it out into the room, which was dimmed by the curtains and made it hard for him to see any more than contours and shapes.

"_Who's there_?" he shouted out. "_I know you're there so let's make this easy and show yourself, or I'll start shooting_!"  
He heard someone moving close to the only window in the room and turned his aim to the place the noise came from.  
"_There's no need to shoot_."

He knew that voice and reached over to one side of the bed, turning on the small lamp standing on a side table.  
Out of the corner where he had heard the sound, Castiel walked into the light of the lamp. As always he had a slow way of moving and so made his way closer to Dean until he could see him clearly.  
Dean put away the gun as he no longer saw a threat, but the tension in his body had a firm grip and he found it hard to control his breathing.

"_What are you doing here_?" Dean asked and looked the angel straight in the eyes.  
"_News doesn't go unnoticed by us, regardless to what you may think. I know you are no longer with Sam and that is why I am here now_."  
"_Why_?" He could hear the insecurity in his voice, but hoped that Castiel had not noticed it. It frustrated him, the way he always felt so uneasy whenever this creature appeared to him.  
On one hand he knew he owned him his life, but on the other hand he also knew that he had not been told all of the reasons as to why he was saved in the first place.  
"_We have seen this coming, it was inevitable in the end_."  
"_Well good for you, but I didn't see it coming. And maybe you missed out on the details, but it wasn't exactly what you would call a happy break-up._" He got up from the bed and stood in front of Castiel. He felt angry and upset and a lot of it was because at some level he blamed himself. He could not help but feel as if he had failed Sam since he had not saved him and with that he had also let down their dad.  
Castiel showing up like this awoke the emotions of the fight and the guilt was somehow even more noticeable.

"_Dean, I never told you this would be easy_…"  
"_You never told me anything_!" he interrupted Castiel. "_You just show up whenever you feel like it, talking gibberish and acting all divine. Why don't you start telling me something useful instead, huh_?"

Castiel shook his head gently while looking down at his feet. Eyes still facing down he started talking again.  
"_I can't say I understand. I can only tell you I know that you have been through a lot_."  
"_Now that's the understatement of the year_." Dean took a few steps back and Castiel turned his attention back to him.

"_I couldn't tell you before because I would not have been able to get to you. Now that you have seen for yourself how Sam has slipped onto these dark paths, maybe you will listen to me_."  
Dean felt a light shiver in his body and resisted his instinct to defend Sam. Instead he stood in silence, waiting for Castiel to continue.  
"_I know that Sam thinks he is doing the right thing, but he has lost track on why he began his hunt in the first place. His actions have turned him into something just as bad as what he wants to stop and he is blind to seeing the obvious in this_."

Incapable to hold his breath any longer, Dean spoke again.  
"_So why won't you help me save him_?" He felt desperate for an answer.  
"_Because Sam cannot be saved, not by any of us, not even you. Especially you_."  
"_What's that supposed to mean_?" It was as if he had been struck by a lightning and he froze at the words coming from this being in a human body.  
Instead of answering him, Castiel continued speaking.

"_The only reason we have not done any more yet is because we wanted to give Sam a chance_."  
"_A chance to what_?"  
"_To change. To save himself. But there is no turning back now, he has crossed that line more than once and no power on our side can erase that darkness inside him_."

Castiel's eyebrows were curved in a worried look as he spoke. It was apparent that he was upsetting Dean and only made him ask more questions. Questions without answers for now.

"_What are you saying_?"  
"_You need to find Sam, but I wouldn't recommend you do it on your own. You have already considered calling Bobby. I suggest you do so. Sooner is best_."  
"_I…I don't understand. What is it that you want me to do_?" Dean's heart was beating so hard he could feel it pound inside his chest. His shallow breathing did not help in the matter and he started feeling lightheaded.  
"_Call Bobby, tell him to meet up with you. I will get back to you. Soon._"

And with that Castiel was gone, leaving Dean in his loneliness and he found the sudden silence deafening.

His mind was filling up with so many thoughts at the same time, he had to put his hand to his forehead as it started aching by it all. He sat back down on the bed and tried to calm himself down enough for his hands to stop shaking.  
He had not even noticed they were, not until he just lifted one of them.

When he felt the pulse slowing down, he reached after his phone, lying on the same table where the lamp stood.  
The display lit up and the sight of Sam's name on the last placed calls list made his heart skip a beat. He wanted to call him, he wanted to convince himself that it was all just a bad dream. Instead he sat there, staring at his brother's name for a few seconds, before pressing on Bobby's name to call him.  
As he heard the phone ringing he braced himself. This was no longer a dispute between him and Sam. Castiel showing up like this told him things had changed and he knew he needed to prepare mentally.

"_Yeah, hello_." Dean had tuned out and at first had not noticed the dial tone had stopped to be replaced by Bobby's answer.  
"_Bobby, it's Dean. I need to talk to you. In person_."  
"_Dean. Is everything alright? Where's Sam_?" Bobby's immediate reaction showed he had good insight in the brother's life. It also showed he cared about them, something Dean had never really doubted.  
"_That's why I'm calling you. Bobby, man, I need your help."_ His voice was breaking and he took a deep breath through his nose so that Bobby would not hear it was.  
Something in the way Bobby answered told Dean he had noticed it anyway, but he was good enough not to mention it.  
"_Okay just tell me where you are and I'll be there as soon as I can_."

In all the chaos Dean had not even taken notice to the name of the motel he was staying at. Luckily he found a pamphlet in one of the drawers of the side table and gave Bobby the address.

"_I'm on my way_." Bobby answered after scribbling down the name and location.  
"_Thank you_."  
"_Just stay there, I'll see you soon_."

The call ended with that and Dean put the phone back next to the lamp. He felt relieved knowing that Bobby was on his way to him, but at the same time he was scared.  
He was scared to tell him about what had happened. Would he judge him? Dean found that hard to believe so then it was really more the other thing that was scaring him.  
The big question to what it was Castiel wanted him to do. He could only assume it was nothing good and the anxiety got him up from the bed, making him pacing around the room instead.

The room was not very big and eventually he walked to the bathroom where he turned the light on and stood in front of the dirty mirror on the wall. It was smudged with dust and dirt and Dean wiped it just enough to see his own eyes looking back at him.  
Once again he felt his heartbeat rising, his body quivering and he could no longer control himself. The emotions were too strong and he lifted his right arm, closed the fist and smashed the mirror into small pieces and shards.

Afterwards he grabbed tight of the sink and kept staring at his face, the image now shattered by his fist. He did not even feel the blood pouring out from the cut on his fist that was painting the sink and floor in a dark red color.

The man in the mirror could not talk back to him, but had he been able to, he would be screaming.


	6. Chapter 6

…

The body, of whoever the woman was before Raël possessed it, laid in front of Sam's feet. They rarely survived lately, his torture increasing with every demon they encountered.  
He and Ruby had untied the body from the chair, put it in the trunk of the car and driven to a secluded area in a forest nearby.

Looking at her laying there, her blond hair spread out on the mossy ground, he did not feel much of anything. He knew he would not have gone this far before, but things were different.  
He was different.

Ruby came walking from behind him, brushing off some dirt from her hands. They looked at each other and without saying a word; Sam lifted up the body and put it in the shallow grave they had dug hastily.  
While Ruby tossed salt all over the woman's body, Sam poured out gasoline. They could never be too careful.

When Sam lit the matches he held them in his hand for a while, staring into the flames, before dropping them in to the hole.  
The fire grew and when the smell of burnt flesh got too strong, they started walking, the heat slowly fading on their backs as they got further away.  
Sam did not feel like talking at the moment and he was grateful that Ruby was quick on picking up his mood.  
Back at the car they threw their stuff in the trunk. Sam got in on the driver's side and waited for Ruby to get in to the seat beside him before he started the engine.

After driving for a while, Sam decided to break the silence.

"_I need some time alone, just a day or so_."

Ruby glanced at him as if to say they had no time to rest. If she had any objections though, she kept them to herself and simply answered with an "_Okay_."  
No more was said about it and they went back to driving in silence until they reached an inn.  
It was not until now Sam remembered he did not have his duffel bag with him. He cursed at himself for being too upset to think straight earlier. At least he still had some of his fake id's and credit cards with him, so he could rent a room.

"_Why aren't you going back to the same motel? Don't you have all your stuff there? And Dean is probably wondering where the hell you are, again_."

Sam realized he had not told Ruby about their fight.  
"_He won't care_." he answered and for a split second he felt a sting in his heart. He refused to give in to remorse and the feeling went away as sudden as it had appeared.

"_He flips out for the smallest thing and he won't care you've gone missing? Right._"  
"_Why do you think he hasn't called yet_?"  
Sam felt nauseous and had to get out of the car, followed by Ruby who had a puzzled look on her face.

"_What happened_?" she asked him and sounded genuinely concerned.  
"_He found out I'd been lying to him_."  
"_How_?"  
"_I told him_."

Now Ruby looked really confused.  
"_Why would you tell him_?"  
"_I didn't! I mean, well yeah I did, but it wasn't me. A damn siren poisoned us_."  
"_Oh_."  
"_Yeah, oh_."  
"_Then what's the problem? If the siren poisoned you, it wasn't really you speaking, so he can't blame you for it_."  
"_But I meant what I said Ruby, the poison just made me say it. Dean knew I meant it too so he took off_."  
"_That's cold_."  
"_I can't really blame him. I wasn't exactly delicate with how I put it. And us beating each other up probably didn't help_."  
"_I can't believe it, the two of you taking a swing at one another. It must've been one heck of a fight_."

Was that amusement in her voice?

"_But if both of you were poisoned, then what was the things he told you? I mean, he must've had some dark secrets too_."  
"_I did learn something_."

He turned away from Ruby, walking slowly to calm his nerves that were trying to break him.  
Ruby stayed by the car, looking at the back of Sam.

"_What was it_?" she asked and kept watching Sam as he finally stopped walking, only to weigh on his feet, one at a time. It made him look like a child that was being rocked back and forth in an attempt to be comforted.

"_I learned that we would've gone separate ways sooner or later. He can't accept me for who I am. He keeps living in the past, pretending nothing has changed when really, nothing is the same anymore. He wants me to follow him around, to admire him like I did when I was a kid.  
I can't do that anymore, I can't live in his shadow_."

Ruby did not say anything at first and Sam walked back to the car and leaned on it on the driver's side.

"_You don't have to_." she said and walked over to him and he looked back at her.

"_Sam, you are a much stronger hunter and with your powers you don't need his help. Don't you get it? There is nothing holding you back any longer_."  
"_I know_."  
"_Do you? Sam, all this time Dean has been trying to control you, make you follow his lead. You are on your own now and there is nothing standing in our way on our hunt on Lilith.  
Look, I understand you might be hurting…_"  
"_I'm not_."

His answer was almost too quick.

"_Well then, there you have it. Look, take a day, gather your strength and I'll pick you up here tomorrow_."  
"_Alright_." he said while nodding. "_Alright, I'll get some rest and I'll call you later_."

He felt a bit distant and barely heard Ruby get in the car and leave, as he was walking towards the inn's reception.

The first thing he did, once inside the room he had rented for the night, was to go to the bathroom. He got in to the shower and stood there for what felt like hours. He kept turning the tap, making the water warmer and warmer to a point where it was almost unbearable.  
The hot shower not only soothed his aching muscles, it also numbed his throbbing head and he kept sighing by the relief.  
After some time he started getting drowsy so he turned off the water and quickly wiped his body with a towel before tying it around his waist.

The mirror was all steamed-up and Sam had to wipe it with his hand to see his face in it.  
His hair still wet, some of its brown strands were laying flat on his forehead and he pulled his right hand through his hair.  
His cheeks were rosy from the heat and he liked how it made him look spry and healthy.

All of a sudden his head started hurting the way it used to when he got premonitions. It had been a long time since he had and the pain shocked him, making him grab the sink so he would not fall to the floor.  
The vision was blurry, all he could see was blood and shards of what looked like had been a mirror.  
One thing that could not be mistaken, no matter how unclear the image was, was the features of Dean.  
The vision faded and was replaced by the image of his hands clutching to the sink. Once the pain vanished he tried to make sense of what had just happened.

When he had gotten visions before they had been about events he could prevent from happening. He had saved people from certain death, among them Dean.  
The vision he just had, however, did not actually show Dean dying or being in any apparent danger.  
Putting the pieces together of what he had seen, he could tell that Dean was extremely upset. Could he have, unintentionally, projected these images to Sam? Maybe being brothers and once so closely bonded, connected them on a different level.  
The idea bothered him, that Dean could still get to him.

He felt tired for the first time in days and got out of the bathroom, hung the towel over a chair and crawled into the bed.

Sam hoped that he would have fallen right asleep, but his mind kept processing everything that he had gone through lately.  
He got angry thinking about how much he had lost, how much he had sacrificed in his life. And for what? All that he lived for now was to hunt down Lilith and kill her. He had not given it much thought as to what he would do after that.

A long time ago he had planned his entire life, everything had seem possible. Now he only lived in the moment and never stopped to think about his future. He saw no meaning in it, not any longer. Even if he would make it out of all of this alive, what did he have to go back to?

It was getting brighter outside and he could hear people waking up all over the place. Sam could finally feel himself drifting away into sleep and he welcomed it gladly. The last sound he heard was someone starting a car and his mind wandered back to him as a kid, laying in yet another motel bed, waiting for his dad to get back from a hunt.

Things had changed, that was for sure, he just did not know whether it was to the better or worse.


	7. Chapter 7

…

By the time Bobby arrived Dean had taken care of the cut on his fist by wrapping a bandage, he had in his bag, around his hand.  
He was sitting on the bed when Bobby knocked on the door and he got up to let him in. His hand was pounding with pain as he grabbed the handle and it made him grimace.

Bobby walked into the room without a word and when he had closed the door behind him, Dean went back to sitting on the bed. Bobby just kept standing there, his hands in the pockets of the jacket.

"_So_?" he asked, slightly lifting his hands making the lower part of the jacket move.

Dean sat silently, his upper body slumped forward, fingers clutching and his elbows resting on his knees.

"_Look, Dean, if I'm going to help you I need to know what happened_."

Dean let out a sigh, rubbed his head with his right hand and licked his lips hastily before he started talking.

"_I, uhm..._" He found it hard to know where to begin.

"_Sam and I had a fight_."  
"_It's not like the two of you haven't fought before Dean, but it never led to you calling me almost crying about it_."  
Dean felt ashamed when Bobby brought up the conversation they'd had over phone.

"_What happened that made you leave Sam behind? Now I'm guessing something more than a small bickering would make you two go separate ways_."

"_I'm scared Bobby_!" The sudden outburst made Bobby flinch and he got his hands out of the pockets.

Dean looked at Bobby and his eyes were burning as he tried really hard to keep the tears from breaking through.  
He got up from the bed and walked over to the window. He didn't actually look at anything on the outside; he just needed to turn away from Bobby while he spoke.

"_I'm scared not knowing where Sam is. I'm scared of my head twisting, like I can't control my own thoughts. And I'm scared because I don't know what's going to happen. I didn't mean to leave him Bobby_."  
He turned back around, facing Bobby who just stood there, listening.

"_I didn't mean to, but I had to_."  
"_Whad'ya mean you had to_?"  
"_Because of what happened back there, you know, with the siren_."  
"_Ah come on Dean, I told you and Sam that you couldn't blame yourselves for what was said under the influence of its venom_."  
"_But that's just it. I meant what I said and so did Sam. The things he…_" he grinded his teeth before continuing.

"_And now Castiel shows up telling me there's no hope for him. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do_?"  
"_Geez Dean, I…I don't know_."

Dean looked at Bobby like a little boy who'd just experienced his first disappointment in life. In all honesty he kind of felt like it too.  
He didn't know what he had expected Bobby to say, but his lack of answers made Dean feel even more lost.

"_What else did Castiel tell you_?"  
"_He told me to find Sam and that I should call you, which I'd already planned to_."  
"_Then what_?"  
"_I don't know. He said he'd get back to me_."  
"_Dean this is starting to spin out of control_."  
"_Tell me about it_."  
"_I mean, the angels wouldn't ask you to find Sam unless they couldn't_."  
"_What does that mean_?"  
"_Honestly? I don't know, but it can't be good_."

If Dean hadn't been sick to his stomach before, he sure was now.

"_Okay, so where do we start_?" Dean asked in an attempt to gain control over his emotions and the situation.  
"_I guess we'll have to go back to where you left him, even though he's probably long gone by now_."  
"_Yeah he probably called Ruby the second I was out of sight_."

Dean didn't think he had hated anyone as much as he hated Ruby in that moment. He hated her for the way she had continuously been playing out him and Sam against each other. Kept twisting Sam's mind and perception of reality, making the gap between him and Dean grow wider every day.

"_Well_" Bobby said "_either way we need to get going. You got all your stuff_?"  
Dean grabbed his duffel bag which was lying on the floor by the bed.  
"_Got it. Let's go_."

Bobby opened the door and they got out and started walking towards their cars.

"_By the way Dean, what happened to your hand_?"  
"_I uhm… There was this dog and ehm…_"  
"_Right_."  
Dean didn't even have to look at Bobby to know he didn't believe him.

The sun was rising outside and for a moment Dean closed his eyes to let the warm rays dance on his face, his body slowly warming up by the gentle heat. That's when it hit him like a bolt of lightning. An image of a motel sign, as clear as if he'd had his eyes open staring right at it.  
It only lasted a second, but it was enough to make Dean stagger backwards with the image burned into his mind.

Bobby, who was just about to get inside his car, slammed the door shut and rushed over to Dean's side.  
"_Are you okay_?" he said and put a hand on Dean's shoulder, almost as if he was afraid he would fall down.  
Dean had his left hand on his forehead and was looking straight ahead as if the sign was in front of him.  
"_Yeah I'm fine. I just…I…I think I know where Sam is_."

Both of them experienced a sudden rush of déjà vu and Bobby let go of Dean's shoulder to walk back to his car.

"_We've got no time to waste_" he said before getting into his car and starting the engine.  
Dean got into the Impala and drove out in front of Bobby to lead the way.  
He had seen the motel sign when they had been on their way to the place where they'd encountered the siren, so he knew just where it was.

On one hand he was really hoping that Sam would still be there when they arrived. He wanted to hug him and punch him at the same time. Mostly just hug though, he was aching for things between them to go back to the way it used to be.  
On the other hand he wished that Sam would be long gone because he knew once they meet up it wasn't going to be a happy reunion.

He suddenly remembered their dad once told him how Dean used to climb into Sam's crib every night and hold him in his arms while they were sleeping. He started doing so after their mother's death, his love for his baby brother and determination to protect him had always been there.  
Sure their dad had been on his back, constantly telling him to watch out for Sam, but really he had not needed to.

The conflict between Dean's brotherly love and that sinister urge he found hard to control, was driving him mad. It also made him feel weaker and weaker, so the last thing he wanted was to go on another hunt.  
Even less so – on his own brother.  
That's what it was really, they were now hunting Sam.  
Just like Gordon once did. Just like their father had said he might have to. And, probably, just like the angels wanted him to.

He felt like a puppet, incapable to make his own decisions, always bossed around by others telling him what to do.  
Still he couldn't figure out what the heck he should do.

Dammit, why did it have to be so hard? Sam had always been the one who kept talking about living a normal life, but the truth was that Dean wanted it more.  
He'd never had a choice, being the older brother that he was. His destiny was written the day Sam was born. Protect and serve, a good soldier.  
Yet, he never complained. So maybe their family was a bit screwed up by normal standards whatever that was. To Dean none of that mattered back when it was the three of them.  
Endless of hunts that could've had a much more tragic outcome, but he was never scared as long as they had each other. Even when it was just him and Sam, it was exactly that – Dean and Sam. Brothers. Family.

But now…

The sun was climbing in the sky as morning gave into day. Dean pressed his foot down on the pedal increasing the speed, with Bobby close behind.  
Why couldn't it go faster?


	8. Chapter 8

…

Sam woke up with a gasp, sheets all tangled around his body, damp with sweat. He could've sworn he had felt someone standing next to the bed, watching him, but as he sat up it was clear the room was empty.  
He looked at the watch on his arm and it told him he hadn't been sleeping for more than a couple of hours.

Eyes still adjusting after such an abrupt awakening, Sam rubbed his fingers in them before he got up to get dressed. He saw no point in trying to go back to sleep, he was far too awake for that.  
Instead he decided to go and get something to eat.

The diner was just next to the motel and when he walked inside it he was surprised over how nice it was. Most diners he had been to had been similar looking with their worn out seats and mismatching plates, as if they'd been bought at various yard sales.  
He walked towards the end of it where he sat down by the window at a table for two. A waitress walked over to him asking if he wanted to see the menu, but he simply asked for a coffee and a toast. She quickly returned with the coffee and a glass of water.

Sam sat there, looking out the window while slowly drinking the hot beverage. In that moment he felt completely relaxed and almost found it hard to believe what he'd been through the past days. Everything; the fight with Dean, the demon, his vision, it all felt like a bad dream.  
Come to think of it, his entire life felt like a really long nightmare.  
He let out a silent sigh, trying to rid himself of any thoughts of regrets. There was no use pondering on the past, near or far. All it did was to drain him on energy he badly needed to be able to bare with all that was lying ahead of him.

The lack of proper sleep made Sam feel like everything around him was moving in slow-motion, as if his eyes couldn't keep up the pace, continuously lingering just a little. He didn't notice that the waitress was standing next to his table until she put down the plate with the toast in front of him.  
He looked up at her to say thanks, but turned out to just smile a little instead. She smiled back at him, a genuine smile of compassion telling Sam he probably looked just as tired as he felt.

He took a bite from the warm sandwich and it wasn't until now that he could feel how hungry he really was. No wonder, he couldn't even remember the last time he ate.  
Melted cheese was dancing around in his mouth and he could feel even more tension loosening up in his body.

When he was finished eating he leaned back in the chair and gazed into the distance through the window. There were people walking all over the parking lot and he could tell this was a popular place to spend a night at. Not at all as shabby as most motels he and Dean had spent endless of nights on.  
And just like that, he had once again unintentionally reminisced back to his life with his older brother.

That's when he heard it; the unmistakable roar of the Impala's engine. At first he froze, thinking he was having another premonition and he grabbed the edges of the table, afraid to fall off the chair. But as the noise seemed to get closer and he couldn't feel any pain, he started looking frantically to locate it. His eyes were moving so fast, jumping from car to car, he started getting dizzy.  
The he saw it, the black front of Dean's car pulling into the parking lot. There was no mistaking it since he saw Bobby's Chevelle driving right behind Dean's Impala.

Sam couldn't breathe, let alone move, as he watched his brother and Bobby get out of their cars. How did they find him? Or were they there by a coincidence? Sam, just like Bobby, didn't believe in coincidence so he knew they were there for him.  
He quickly pulled out some money from the right pocket of his jacket and threw it on the table.  
Being the hunter that he was he was quick on finding ways out and so made his way to the backdoor of the diner and got out.  
He carefully sneaked around the corner, just in time to see Dean and Bobby walk inside to the reception of the motel.

Crap. He knew they were going to find him amongst the other guests at the motel right away. Dean knew all of his aliases and he had been too tired to even try and come up with a new one. Also, he never expected to see them there in the first place.

He pulled out his phone and called Ruby.

"_Sam_?" she answered and he could hear she was driving in the car.  
"_Ruby. Dean and Bobby found me, I don't know how, just get me out of here_."  
"_I'll be there in a minute_."  
"_Great, I'm behind the diner_."

After he hung up he wondered if Rub had just been driving around the area while he was trying to get some rest.  
Maybe it wasn't all bad, being a demon if that meant you never had to sleep.  
Never feel tired.

He saw Ruby making her way towards him where he was still hiding. She must've been closer than he thought because Dean and Bobby hadn't even got out of the reception so not much time had passed since they ended their call.

"_How the hell did they find you_?" Ruby asked once Sam was inside the car.  
"_I have no idea; I don't even have a tracking device in my phone anymore. It must've been Cas who told Dean, I can't think of any other way_."  
"_I don't think so_."  
Ruby sounded so sure, Sam felt compelled to ask her: "_How do you know_?"  
She glanced at him briefly and then went back to looking at the road while driving.  
"_Because I know of a way to hide from the eyes of angels and I've made sure we both are hidden_."  
"_How_?"  
"_Never mind! Sam, the fact they found you on their own is far more disturbing than the thought of a divine intervention_."  
Sam let those words sink in as the sound of the engine filled the silence between him and Ruby.

"_Shit_…"  
Sam was surprised by Ruby's sudden outburst and turned to look at her while at the same time noticing how their car was increasing in speed.  
"_What_?" he asked after no elaboration from Ruby as to why she was going faster, or swearing for that matter.  
She didn't answer but simply looked in the rear view mirror which made Sam turn around to look into his.  
Coming at them in high speed was Dean and Bobby in their cars. Sam figured they must've stepped outside the reception just in time to see him take off with Ruby.

"_Dammit! What do we do?_" he asked Ruby while keeping his eyes locked on the cars that followed them.  
Ruby didn't answer, she just pushed the car to go even faster and Sam grabbed hold of the handle of the door. It wouldn't do him any good, should they crash, but it was hard to be rational when it came to survival instincts.

On some level he felt silly, running from Dean, but something told him he shouldn't go near Dean. Call it a gut feeling, he just knew that whatever brotherly bond they once shared was gone now.

Ruby made a sudden right turn which would've thrown Sam into her lap, hadn't he been pulled back by the seatbelt.  
It temporarily threw Dean and Bobby off trail, but they quickly turned their cars around and caught up with them again.  
The dirt road they were now on didn't seem to lead anywhere and Sam felt that he'd had enough.

"_Stop the car_."  
"_What? Are you crazy_?"  
"_Stop the car Ruby. I don't care anymore, I just want this all to be over already_."  
She didn't argue back a second time, instead she made a turn into a field where she parked the car and shut the engine off. Dean and Bobby followed and parked their cars in front of Sam and Ruby.  
Nobody got out at first, they simply sat there facing each other.

Sam was looking down at his lap, then took a deep breath before lifting his head, eyes now looking straight into Dean's.  
He was still clutching the steering wheel and stared right back at Sam.  
Out of nowhere something seemed to pull the brothers out of the cars and they opened their doors and got out at the same time.  
They walked in front of their cars and stood there, still looking at each other. If the situation had been different they'd probably laughed at how much it looked like a scene from a western.  
This was no laughing matter though and it was as if the seriousness of the situation affected the very atmosphere. Dark clouds were gathering above them and the wind started blowing from all directions.  
Nothing seemed to touch them and they stood like statues in the oncoming storm.  
Looking at them now, who would've guessed they had once been inseparable, brothers ready to die for one another. The way it seemed now it was more likely one, or both, of them would die by the hand of the other.

Both Ruby and Bobby had gotten out of the cars by now. Neither of them made their way towards the Winchester brothers, they stood next to their cars in silence, watching them. Waiting for one of them to make the first move.  
It was Sam who spoke first.

"_So, you got me. Now what_?"  
"_You tell me Sam_."  
"_You're the one who said you can't be around me anymore Dean, so why are you chasing me down the road like a mad man_?"  
"_Why are you running_?"  
"_The same reason you ran from me Dean. I don't trust you anymore_!"

Ruby had walked away from the car and was now standing next to Sam.  
"_What and you trust her_?"  
Sam hadn't noticed her standing there until Dean pointed at her. He turned and looked at her, then back at Dean.  
"_Yeah, I do_."  
Dean looked, if possible, even more upset.  
"_She's a demon Sam. We hunt demons_!"  
"_Like you're hunting me now_?"  
Dean's anger was replaced by a mildly surprised expression.  
"_How…what? No! We're not…this is completely different_."  
"_How is this different Dean_? _How_?"

If there'd been a chance to throw Sam off, this would've been the moment. Had Dean switched his tactic and tried to appeal to Sam's heart, maybe he would've reached him.  
But Dean said nothing, leaving Sam's darkness inside grow even larger by the second.  
Sam felt a light shiver in his lower lip, but he bit it real hard to make it stop. The pain made him snap back to feeling nothing but hate and anger again.

"_Sam, listen to me. She is pure evil and she has to die. You can't see it, but she's got you completely blind. If we kill her, we can go back to hunting again. Together. Back to normal_."  
Sam snorted.  
"_Normal_? _What exactly about our life is normal Dean, huh_? _Who are trying to kid here_?"  
Dean was obviously getting frustrated and Sam felt how his determination to hurt him grew even stronger.  
"_We never had anything in common more than the blood form our parents. Oh yeah, that's right, I've got demon blood in me, so really I probably have a lot more in common with Ruby. At least she's not afraid of me_."  
"_I'm not afraid of yo_u!" Dean tried to defend himself, clearly hurt by what Sam just said.  
"_Is that so_?"  
Sam raised his hand and Dean flinched. Sam smiled a sinister smile and Ruby snickered.

"_Shut up you bitch_!" Dean yelled at her.  
She started walking towards him. That's when Bobby walked up next to Dean, raised his rifle and aimed it at Ruby. She stopped walking, but kept smiling at them.  
"_What are you gonna do_? _Shoot me_? _You know you can't kill me_."  
"_No, but I can_."

Ruby jumped at the voice of Castiel and swung around just in time for him to grab hold of her and put one hand on her forehead.  
"_No_!" Sam screamed and ran towards Castiel, but it was too late.  
Sam stopped instantly at the incredibly bright light shooting out of Ruby's eyes and mouth as Castiel killed her.  
The body, she'd been in for quite some time now, fell lifeless into Castiel's arms.  
At first Sam couldn't believe what had just happened and stared at Castiel holding the body. Then it hit him like a punch in the face and he bolted at the angel. Castiel only threw a glance over his shoulder and without a sound, both he and Ruby's body were gone.  
Sam came to halt on the spot where they'd just stood and looked around, searching for them even though he knew they were gone.  
He was mad with rage and needed to take out his anger on someone.

"_You_." He said with a dark voice coming from the depth of the pit inside him.  
"_You did this_." He stared at Dean.  
"_Don't go do nothing stupid Sam_." Bobby said, now aiming his gun at Sam.  
"_Why would I do anything stupid_?" he said, then with a swift move of his right hand threw Bobby into the side of the Impala, knocking him out.  
"_Bobby_!" Dean looked in fear as Bobby landed next to his car. He bent down and put his hand on his throat, trying to find a pulse.  
Sam didn't know if Dean could feel it, his face gave away no emotions as he got up from the ground and stood in front of Sam.  
He didn't care, all that was screaming inside his head was the same word over and over again. It felt like his blood was pumping so hard in his veins, it was chanting the word in a rhythm.  
_Kill. Kill. Kill._


	9. Chapter 9

…

Back at the motel, Dean and Bobby hadn't even gotten around to look up Sam's alias in the lobby. The place was full of people waiting to be served by the woman at the reception.  
Their plan had been for Dean to charm her so she would be distracted while Bobby got the information they needed.  
As they stood there, trying to figure out how to sneak past all of the people, Dean felt the light touch of a hand on his shoulder.

"_He's here_." Castiel said as Dean turned to look at who was grabbing him. He still hadn't gotten used to him showing up like that and held back the urge to yell at him for startling him.  
"_How did you_…" Dean started.  
"_I didn't. I followed you here and I know now that he is here. He is just outside, you must get to him before he disappears again_."

Dean and Bobby ran outside just in time to see Sam get into the car with Ruby.

"_Hurry, we gotta catch up with them_." Dean yelled and began running to his car. He stopped when he realized Castiel didn't move.  
"_You coming_?" he asked the angel who stood there, almost like a statue and Dean found the cold feeling to that image eerie.  
"_I will meet up with you later, I have a different agenda_."  
"_Dean we gotta go_!" Bobby yelled from his car and Dean didn't bother to reply to Castiel but got into the Impala and left with a screech.

He could tell they'd been spotted when Ruby started going faster. Seeing Sam like that only gave Dean an even bigger boost of energy and nothing in the world was going to stop him from getting to Sam.  
Ruby suddenly made a right turn but Dean saw it as an obvious act from a desperate person, or demon more like, quickly swirled the Impala around and was soon enough right behind them again.  
He didn't expect them to give up as early as they did though and parked in front of them, not too close as he didn't trust they didn't plan on doing something stupid.  
So he sat there for what seemed like an eternity but really was no more than seconds. When Sam turned his head up and looked into his eyes Dean could feel his heart stop beating. Not only because it was the first time he saw Sam since he took off, but also because the intensity in Sam's eyes scared him, although he would never admit it.

When he opened the car door to get out it was almost like he could sense something pulling him. Seeing Sam make the same move in that very moment almost made him believe something really had.  
When they stood there, facing each other like in a stupid stand-off, Dean felt those opposite urges rise again; desires to both hurt Sam yet hold him at the same time.

Dean could tell by the shadow now casting on Sam's face that the sky was filling up with clouds, making it unnaturally dark.  
Still silent, he could hear Bobby getting out of his car and saw Ruby do the same.  
He was relieved when Sam finally broke the tension built up by the silence and started to talk.  
The sound of his voice was like music to Dean, but he could feel himself weakening by it and cleared his throat to speak in a short and rather harsh voice.  
When Sam said he didn't trust him it hurt him like a knife had been jammed into his heart and twisted around.  
While Sam spoke those words, Dean saw Ruby walking up next to Sam. He asked him if he trusted her more and when Sam said he did, Dean almost felt how he literally lost his mind.  
When Sam then accused him of hunting him like any other supernatural being, Dean was surprised over how blind he'd been to how obvious it was. And how easy for Sam, a hunter himself, to recognize the signs of a hunt.

Dean's baby brother stood there, asking how this was different than any other hunt, his eyes pleading for Dean to reach out to him.  
But he couldn't find the right words to say and made the mistake of remaining quiet instead.  
He thought he saw Sam's lower lip trembling just the slightest and when he bit it he confirmed it had. So there was still something human in him after all. Dean felt like screaming with joy, but didn't.

He started talking to Sam again, using a softer approach, tried to reason with him. Sam wouldn't know of it, it was almost like he wanted nothing more but to hurt Dean as much as possible.  
He even proved what Dean himself didn't want to admit – he really was afraid of Sam.  
Ruby's sinister giggle made Dean mad with rage and he really appreciated Bobby for stepping up and defending him, even though they all knew his gun wouldn't be of much use.

"_You can't kill me_." she snickered.  
"_No, but I can_."

If Dean had jumped by the surprise of Castiel's sudden appearance, it was nothing compared to Ruby. It was only for a split second, but it was pure horror he saw in Ruby's eyes before Castiel grabbed hold of her and killed her.

Dean and Bobby covered their eyes by the bright light of Ruby's soul being extinguished by Castiel.  
They heard Sam screaming and looked up to see him running towards Castiel as he disappeared.  
When Sam came to a halt and then turned to glare at Dean he thought he'd turn to him for help. But what he saw in Sam's eyes when he looked at him was like a kick in the stomach. His eyes were so filled with rage , Dean could almost have sworn they'd turned black in the blink of an eye.  
Sam was not reasonable at all and the anger made him blame dean for Ruby's death.  
Dean saw in anguish how Bobby turned the aim of his gun and pointed it towards Sam. At the same time he felt a jolt of happiness for Bobby's fatherly instinct to protect him.

Bobby tried to calm Sam down but instead he quickly moved his hand and threw him into the side of the Impala.  
When Dean saw Bobby falling unconscious to the ground he let out a cry of fear that sounded more like a loud gasp.  
He rushed to Bobby's side to see if he was okay, his heart almost stopped because it was beating so fast. He knew Sam was strong and he honestly feared he had killed Bobby. When he put his fingers on Bobby's throat he could feel a pulse and could also tell he was breathing. It didn't mean he hadn't sustained any other injuries, but for now, Dean had to let him lie there.

Dean got up from the ground and moved closer to Sam, who showed no sign of remorse for what he'd just done.  
Sam raised his hand again, but this time Dean didn't even flinch.

"_You gonna slam me into the car too_?" He stared at Sam who still held out his hand at him.  
"_No_."  
He slowly lowered his and left it hanging by the side of his body like the other one.  
"_Dammit Sam! You really can't see how screwed up you are, huh? I mean you're going ballistic over a demon bitch, but you hurt Bobby who's been there for us ever since dad died_."  
"_He wasn't there for me Dean, he never was. We all know he only truly cared about you_."  
"_That's not true and you know it_!" Dean got incredibly angry over how ignorant Sam was.  
"_Oh but it is. Ruby was the only one who cared about me, the only who didn't want to change who I am. I mean who I really am. I always knew I was different and so did dad, that's why he put so much pressure on you, so you could handle making tough decisions. But you're weak, you can't handle the facts of reality. Well now it's time for you to deal with it, whether you want to or not_."  
"_What? Sam_…" Dean felt his voice get stuck in his throat as Sam once again raised his hand towards him. It felt like something strangling him from the inside of his throat and he put both of his hands around it in a useless attempt to breathe, as he fell to his knees.

He looked in terror into Sam's eyes, darkened by the hate, as he by the slightest movement with his hand, tightened the grip in Dean's throat. Dean reached out one of his hands towards Sam while using whatever air he had left to scream his name.  
"_Sam…Sam, please_…" They were nothing but hoarse whispers.  
Dean felt his head started to spin and everything around him was getting blurred and slowly fading.  
He didn't know where it came from , but in a last attempt to scream, all his strength was focused on this one word that came out of Dean's mouth so loud, it echoed all around the place.

"_Sammy_!"

He could feel himself loosing consciousness and the last thing he saw was Sam standing over him with a baffled look on his face.  
"_Dean? Oh god, Dean_?!"  
Sam's voice faded as Dean slipped into darkness.


	10. Chapter 10

…

When Sam raised his hand towards Dean, he didn't see his older brother. He saw blame, hate, rage. He saw a chance to set things right, to avenge Ruby's death.  
The only thing he couldn't see was the truth.  
It was as if a veil had been pulled over Sam's eyes through which all things he saw were distorted.

To Sam, the very thought of Bobby caring for him was preposterous. He truly believed Bobby had only always cared about Dean.

When he focused all his rage on Dean he could feel his life inside him, their brotherly bond by blood seemed to have twined the two of them together on levels no one would've imagined.  
But Sam didn't feel the fear in Dean's mind, he didn't hear his voice pleading for mercy. He only felt more and more satisfied as he sensed Dean was dying.

Sam watched as Dean fell to his knees, gasping for air.  
Then he heard it, clearer than he had heard any word spoken before.

"_Sammy_!"

It was so powerful, so full of love and fear at the same time and in the very moment Dean screamed out his name for his brother, the veil was lifted from Sam's eyes. His state of mind changed instantly and he watched in horror how Dean, one hand still reaching for him, fell to the ground.  
The shock of the sudden realization of what he had done had him stunned and he cried out.

"_Dean? Oh my god, Dean_?!"

Sam ran to him, threw himself down beside his unconscious body. He shook him, tried to wake him up and when finally understanding that Dean wasn't breathing, he almost lost his mind.

"_Dean_!"

He started giving him CPR, pounding his chest like mad to make his heart start beating again.

"_Come on Dean_!" he breathed into his mouth again, tried to revive him, desperate acts from a little brother who was breaking by the grief.

He stopped for a few seconds to see if there was any reaction from Dean, but he was just as still as before and now tears started welling up in Sam's eyes.  
Sam tugged at the collar of Dean's jacket, so hard his knuckles turned white.

"_Dean_…" more a whimper than a whisper and now noticing Bobby still lying by the Impala, the true horror of what he'd done came crashing down on him like a massive wave. His grasp grew, if possible, even stronger and he found himself sulking, almost unable to breathe by the sorrow.

They had been right all along, all of them.  
Gordon, the yellow eyed demon, the angels, the demons, their dad. Dean.

"_I'm so sorry Dean. I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you. I'm so sorry_…" he kept repeating silently, his head hanging down.

He suddenly felt the light touch of a hand on his shoulder and being almost in a trance, he quickly jerked his head around in fear.  
His vision was blurry by all the tears, but he could easily see Castiel's features looking down on him. Sam quickly dried his tears with the sleeve of his jacket.  
Just minutes ago he had tried to attack the angel, but now, looking into Castiel's eyes burning with compassion, he felt incredibly guilty.

"_Cas, I_…"

"_Sam, I don't blame you_."

This only made Sam feel even more guilt for his previous wish to harm Castiel, but at the same time, in the confusion of if he'd really heard him right, the weight on his heart felt a little lighter.  
Still he couldn't understand why Castiel put no blame on him, he'd just killed his own brother for crying out loud.

"_But I…I mean..Dean_…"

Castiel didn't reply, instead he let go of Sam's shoulder and walked around to squat down opposite of him.  
He placed one hand on Dean's chest and the other on his head. Sam felt the earth shudder beneath them and with a sudden gasp of air, Dean opened his eyes.  
At first he didn't focus, but quickly turned his eyes to Castiel with a look of fear, relief and confusion all together.  
Sam's mouth was wide open, but he didn't say a word.  
Dean kept taking long, deep breaths, still looking a bit off as Castiel got up and stood in front of the Winchester brothers.

Dean's breathing slowed down and it wasn't until now that he sensed Sam looking down on him, one hand on his shoulder. Instinctively he pushed Sam away so that he fell over on his back, forcing him to put his elbows to the ground.  
Dean himself landed on his side and with one hand keeping him up, he lifted the other and pointed at Sam.

"_You…you stay away, you hear me_?"

Sam, still not completely recovered from the shock of having Dean brought back to life, felt his eyes burning and his mouth got dry.

"_Dean_…" his voice came out hoarse and trembled slightly.

Dean put his hand around his throat then stared at Sam with eyes wide open.

"_You…you killed me! You killed me Sam_!"

"_Please, listen to me_…" Sam got up and started walking towards Dean who in return flinched and tried, still lying on the ground, to move away from Sam.  
Sam stopped and looked at Castiel for help.

Castiel had just been standing there in silence, but now he walked up to Dean and offered him a helping hand, bringing Dean back up on his feet.  
Dean stood up in front of Castiel and glared at the angel.

"_And you brought me back_."

"_Yes_."

"_Why_? _Is this some sick game of yours_? _Kill the human and bring him back to life_?!"

It was hard to believe Dean had just minutes ago been fighting just to breathe, for now he spoke with a fierce power in his voice.

"_No_."

Castiel's short answers were obviously pissing Dean off.

"_So you care to tell me what the hell is going on_?"

Castiel sighed, his shoulders sinking slightly as he did so.  
Then he drew new breath and looked at something behind Sam while he spoke.

"_You had to die Dean and I was supposed to let it happen. Don't think I didn't question this many times and it took much willpower for me not to prevent this. You had to die and then I would bring you back. And I did_."

He walked over to Bobby, who was what he'd been looking at, then bent down so he could put one hand on his chest.

"_I _had_ to die_? _Well that's just peachy. And you didn't tell me this because_…?"

Sam and Dean both looked at Castiel as he laid his hand on Bobby.

"_Because you wouldn't have gone after Sam. Or you would've tried to talk him out of it. Either way, we couldn't risk it_."

"_Oh, okay then, thanks a lot douche bag. You know I really enjoy being strangled to death_!"

Sam felt, rightfully, hit and quickly snapped his head down and stared into the ground.  
He could physically feel Dean's eyes burning on him but he refused to meet them. Truthfully, he was afraid to.  
Eventually he turned his attention back to Castiel and Sam exhaled, not even aware up until then that he'd been holding his breath.

"_How is Bobby_?"

"_He's alive and he will be okay, but I will not mend him just yet and bring him into this conversation_."

"_Why not_?" Sam was now also looking at Castiel.

"_Because some things will only cause more damage than do any good_."

The brothers quickly glanced at each other the way they always did to confirm the other one was thinking the same thing.  
Even if that glance only lasted a second, it hurt like hell.  
Sam wondered if Dean felt it too or if he was too filled with disgust towards him.

"_Dean I meant what I said when I told you that Sam can not be saved. But that doesn't mean we're not gonna try_."

Sam's heart jolted when he heard this and now he was terrified.

"_What do you mean I can't be saved_?" he almost yelled at Castiel, not even caring to cover up the panic.

"_That's what I've been told, but I do not give up that easily_."

"_So this was your plan, huh, to have Sam kill me then bring me back to life. What good did that do_?"

"_I figured that if Sam could let go and empty himself of rage, that it might break down his barrier, if even a fraction of it_."

"_You figured_? _So you're telling me you acted on a hunch_?" Dean was getting worked up again.

"_Yes_."

"_Then tell me genius, what would you've done if it hadn't worked_?"

"_That was a chance I had to take_."

"_You had to take_? _Funny since it was me who was the one actually dying here_!"

"_Dean_…" Sam tried to talk to him but Dean shot him a look that could've frozen the very ground they were standing on.

"_Don't you_ 'Dean' _me. You strangled me Sam_! _You looked into my eyes and you squeezed the life out of me_."

"_Dean that wasn't me_!"

"_Funny cause it sure as hell looked like you_."

"_Dean listen to Sam, he's telling the truth_."

"_Give me one good reason why I should listen to either of you_?!"

"_Because you're never gonna find Lilith unless you do it together_."

"_Say what now_?"

"_You and Sam, you share a bond that goes deeper than with any normal brothers_."

Both Sam and Dean felt very awkward and uncomfortable at this statement.

"_I'm not just talking about how you'd do anything for each other_."

"_Well you don't have to worry about that anymore_".

Sam felt his heart sink and shot a hurt look towards Dean.  
Castiel continued as if he never heard Dean's comment.

"_You share something unique and no matter how far apart you are, you can still sense the other one's presence. I'm guessing you both have been having visions lately_?"

Sam curved his eyebrows in a surprised expression and turned to look at Dean.  
Dean had a more stern expression and was biting on his lower lip.

"_How did you know_…"

"_Because you're getting closer to finding Lilith so your bond is drawing you towards each other. You need to do this together. We need for you to do this together_."

Sam was nearly crying inside with joy and at the same time he was dreading Dean's rejection.

"_Dean. Please_."

Castiel's voice had a different tone, softer than either of them had heard before and for the first time Sam saw how much Castiel had changed since the first time they met.  
How could he have missed it?  
Castiel was feeling.  
He knew Dean had made an impact on the angel inside that man, but he never knew just how much.  
Until now.  
The change was mutual as he could tell Dean's tension was fading.

"_What do we have to do_?" he asked, not looking at Sam despite that he was included in the question.

"_First off I'm gonna take Bobby with me. You two go back to the motel, I'll meet with you later_."

"_What_…?" Dean started, but the sound of fluttering wings was the sign that Castiel was already gone and Bobby with him.

"_Great_. _Alright you drive Bobby's car, I'll take mine_."

"_Okay_."

Sam glanced at the car he and Ruby had been driving and he still felt a tiny sting of sorrow.  
He could tell Dean was looking at him so he walked over to Bobby's car and got in without returning his brother's look.

…

The red lights on the rear of the Impala were hypnotizing and Sam's mind started drifting.  
Growing up he always knew they were an odd family, filled with secrets very few person on the planet could relate to or even understand.  
Secret he thus couldn't share with anyone outside the family and their circle of fellow hunters.

He'd thought that he craved a normal life, to share his burden with someone.  
First it'd been Jessica, then Ruby. Granted Ruby was a demon and in that herself part of everything that was wrong and unnatural in Sam's life. But she'd also been a distraction from it all and this was the problem, Sam finally understood.  
The constant struggle to distance himself from his life, his family. It was going nowhere and it didn't make him happy, not really.  
He didn't need someone, didn't crave a normal life.

Looking back, the only times he'd been happy, truly happy, was when he'd been with Dean. Every time with Dean, good and bad, he felt safe. Leveled.  
Sam was a hunter, not by the way he was raised, but by blood. This was what he was born to do and for the first time in his life he knew.  
He didn't want it any other way.


End file.
